Offbeat's weekly Horoscope, where the audacious Aquarius, proud Pisces, august Aries, temptatious Taurus, gallant Gemini, creative Cancer, lovely Leo, vigorous Virgo, level-head Libra, sensuous Scorpio and skilled Sagittarius go to get the mostly timely and accurate astrological divinations.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Redbox is going to give you the wrong movie, but will refuse to take it back until you agree that Hulu is gay. Stockhausen says: "Just sign up for the confirmation gay email, its fine."
Pisces: February 19 - March 20
You miss the ball by not checking to see if those Hot Pockets you ate last week were of that recall. Stockhausen says: "Now the Crackin sleeps inside you."
Aries: March 21 - April 19
You will survive another debilitating polar vortex, only to be done in next week by an ice cream brain freeze-inducing coma. Stockhausen says: "So you thought you were invincible huh?"
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
You had better get your dog and cat spayed and neutered before they do it to you first. Stockhausen says: "It's your kids or theirs, now who's it going to be?"
Gemini: May 21 - June 21
Good news, you have almost worked off the holiday weight. Bad news, you know how you keep forgetting your keys lately, that's a sign of your oncoming stroke. Stockhausen says: "It's kind of like your brain tickles...you to death."
Cancer: June 22 - July 22
Don't worry about that rash you've been ignoring; it's already too late. Stockhausen says: "Who likes hospitals anyway?"
Leo: July 23 - August 22
You don't need to be worried about what your kids are doing, What you need to ask yourself is why does you spouse know your boss' middle name. Stockhausen says: "Hell, you didn't even know it was Avery."
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
Just so you know, when you get to the emergency room, you should describe it to the doctor as shattered more than broken. Stockhausen says: "Not that it's going to help!"
Libra: September 23 - October 22
If you are going to keep using the internet for that, the government is going to take it away from everybody. Stockhausen says: "Yeah man, just join a mailing list of something."
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21
No one will ever find out about it after it's done, but you will lose yourself if you go through with this. Stockhausen says: "Screw it...you weren't sleeping that well anyway."
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
You need to talk to someone about that dream that your dad was in. There isn't anyone who has ever lived, who could deal with that alone. Stockhausen says: "My dear lord, what's wrong you? "
