The top of the card wasn't perfect, but it was fun and had a few important angles for SummerSlam. The Battle Royal to crown the new Intercontinental Champion featured 19 hopeful Superstars (it was supposed to be 20, but Rob Van Dam held out due to injury). After the ranks were thinned somewhat, the Miz revealed his secret master plan to steal the Intercontinental title by hiding on the floor for most of the Battle. After that, the main event was a thrill ride. Even though most people predicted John Cena would retain the WWE World Heavyweight Title, there were a couple of close calls and last minute saves along the way. At one point, he and Roman Reigns faced off and, for one brief moment, the WWE Universe glimpsed the future of wrestling.
The Battle Royal featured a strong appearance from Kofi Kingston, as usual. It's basically all he's known for these days- spectacular performances in Battles Royal and Ladder Matches. But he was eliminated by Cesaro who poked him in the eye and said "an eye for an eye", referring to his accidental injury at Kofi's hands a few weeks back.
Cesaro then got ousted by Heath Slater, who was immediately eliminated by Sheamus. Bo Dallas was eliminated by Dolph Ziggler. And then there were two (but not really because the Miz was still laying low by the announce table). Finally, Ziggler emerged the victor after knocking Sheamus out of the ring (but not really because the Miz was at the damn table!)
See, the technical rule is, a wrestler is eliminated from a Battle Royal by exiting the ring over the top rope and both feet touching the floor. The Miz kept slipping out of the ring through the bottom rope and hiding until he could pick just the right spot to attack. Either the cheesiest angle or the most brilliant. Or both. Either way he's gonna get his butt kicked when Bad News Barrett gets back from his shoulder injury, according to the former IC champ. Barrett delivered a rather threatening speech last night before the Battle Royal kicked off.
The main event was not boring, but everyone already kind of knew what would happen. Everyone beat the crap out of each other. Half the fans (kids and veterans) love John Cena. Half the fans hate him to death. Pretty much everyone loves Roman Reigns- he is the future. Randy Orton is buddies with Kane as long as Big Red is helping him out, but they clearly can't stand each other and their alliance crumbled the first time Kane tried for a pinfall.
John Cena and Roman Reigns traded moves for a while, but it was just for show because everyone knows he's too green to actually get the belt right now.
So Cena finished the best way he knows how, by not selling his opponents' attacks and delivering and AA to Orton on top of Kane and pinning Kane for a super honorable American Hero-Style ending. And then he went out and helped an old lady across the street. And then he made another rap album.
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