Classicalite's Get to Know the 2016 Republican Presidential Candidates

By Thomas Swan on Nov 14, 2015 02:44 AM EST

There are a lot of misconceptions about the presidential candidates, what they stand for, if they are actually human and which one is a Woody Allen character come to life. Classicalite, the number one news source for Salman Khan, the Kardashians and Hank Baskett presents get to know the presidential candidates of the Republican party.

Jeb Bush

Unlike his father and his brother, Jeb Bush has decided to screw up before he was elected to the highest office. Never one to wait, Jeb saw the Bush legacy was at its all time lowest and decided to see if he could drive it further into the ground. This has always been the lot Jeb has had to deal with. His older brother, an auteur in the world of professional f#ck ups, Jeb has fought long and hard to f*ck everything up on the level that his brother and 43rd President of the United States George W. Bush did.

Jeb Bush served as governor of the state of Florida from 1999-2007, where he was voted most likely to be the next Bush to run for president.

Policy Positions

  • Advocates beating up Donald Trump.
  • Doesn't believe in big government, but still wants to get paid for running it.
  • Hates Obamacare. Solid belief in the healing power of vouchers.

Jeb Bush: You've elected two Bushes already, America, like a third will matter.

Ben Carson

Ben Carson has no political experience, but you can trust him. He is a doctor, after all. His candidacy is a trial run for America's ultimate goal, elect Travis Stork. Carson rose to fame after the Republican party found that, yes, America would elect a black male president. As Carson was the only black male in the Republican party, he won the job. A retired neurosurgeon, Carson has proved you don't have to have a brain to operate on people's brains.

This Ben Carson quote comes via The Huffington Post online, "German citizens were disarmed by their government in the late 1930s, and by the mid-1940s Hitler's regime had mercilessly slaughtered six million Jews and numerous others whom they considered inferior . Through a combination of removing guns and disseminating deceitful propaganda, the Nazis were able to carry out their evil intentions with relatively little resistance."

Apparently, a collapsed economy and massive poverty due to reparations paid after World War I didn't factor in at all to Hitler's rise. Or the fact that most Germans probably couldn't even afford a gun.

Policy Positions

  • Advocates beating up Donald Trump.
  • Hates Obamacare.
  • Opposes federal funding for Planned Parenthood.
  • Wants to keep Guantanamo Bay open so all those unwanted children have a place to go when they become adults.

Ben Carson:  More O.G. than Barack Obama

Chris Christie

Regularly confused with actor Billy Gardell, and the current governor of the state of New Jersey, Christie's policies have sometimes been called the stuff of great comedy. Prior to serving as governor, Christie was US attorney for New Jersey. Governor Christie has never met Melissa McCarthy and wants reporters to ask him what Chuck Lorre is like.

Friend of the teachers, Christie had this to say about the National Teacher's Union, "Oh the national teachers union, who has already endorsed Hillary Clinton 16, 17 months before the election. I'd love to punch them in the face."

Policy Positions

  • Advocate of Teachers.
  • Advocate of Boxing.

Chris Christie: Punching the Teachers of New Jersey since 2001.

Ted Cruz & Rand Paul

They are the Starsky and Hutch of the Republican Party. They make Paul Ryan look like a hippie liberal. They embody the American spirit, "As long as I get mine, I don't give a sh*t about anyone else." They opposed Obamacare, but get free health care as members of congress. As with the other Republican candidates, except Donald Trump maybe, Cruz and Paul oppose big government but both want to be president. Though both feel welfare is rewarding people for not working, they want to be paid to be president and not do anything in return.

Rand Paul is the son of former Texas Representative Ron Paul. The Pauls are hoping to surge past the Romneys and take over first place for most failed presidential runs by a father/son. Ted Cruz hopes to surge past Rick Santorium and Mike Huckabee for most failed presidential runs by a Republican who has a snowball's chance in hell of actually winning.

Policy Positions

  • Wants states to have their own definition of marriage (Cruz).
  • Tried to shut down the government when Obamacare was in Congress because universal health care was what ultimately brought down Sodom and Gomorrah. (Cruz)
  • Wants to kill the tax code. Wants a flat tax to simpify the tax code. (Wouldn't that give the upper income earners a tax cut?) (Paul)
  • Wants to audit the Federal Reserve and place its regulation back in the hands of Congress, where there's less action taken than in my grandparent's bedroom.

Rand Paul & Ted Cruz: Yeah, right.

Donald Trump

Donald Trump is huge, as this photograph well illustrates. He is the son of a wealthy real estate developer. He has flirted with running in the past, but more people were paying attention to him on Celebrity Apprentice than would have as president. Trump's approach to running, hurling rhetoric around like a monkey does its poo, has appealed to the average voter. This method was first popularized by Joseph McCarthy to great effect when he accused Crayola of being communist sympathizers. Trump currently leads all Republican candidates and will likely be the Republican nominee.

Heavily influenced by Pink Floyd's seminal rock masterpiece, The Wall, Trump wants to build a wall and make Bob Geldolf his VP.

Policy Positions

  • Wants to build a wall every place a wall needs built.
  • Wants to give taxbreaks to the wall builders of America.
  • Wants to build a wall around Megan Kelly and Rosie O'Donnell.

Donald Trump: All we are is just bricks in the wall.

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TagsClassicalite Presidential Candidates, Jeb Bush, Ben Carson, Republican Candidates, Donald Trump, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Rand Paul Ted Cruz

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